Journal Of A Dragon Mother

Jan 5th 2023 || 395 Days Without KSCV

There are a million words to be spoken when one suffers such unimaginable grief and even infinitely more that shouldn't be. How do we know the difference? We cannot. Only the person holding their grief can truly know what is, and is not helpful. I don’t have the answers on how to help in such situations even though I have experienced unimaginable grief throughout my life. So instead I will share my own personal day to day experiences in hopes it helps someone navigate their own grief or a grieving loved one. In hopes we will both feel less alone. Grief is a life long process and it can separate you, connect you, and often we find it does both depending on the moment or day. It is my hope to normalize grief in my own small way and learn to live with it in a way that honors my child instead of run from it in a way that steals K from me even more than death itself. It’s the only way I know how to survive each day here without Kienan, who I lost in December 2021 in a tragic car accident.

So here I am—

In all my grander, in all my grammatical upheaval , in all my raw grief. One day at a time in honor of my children, in honor of my art, in honor of shared grief, in honor of you.

I’m not sure what I will write yet or how clear or helpful it will be. I am sure it will not be for everyone, I’m ok with that. Though I hope it will help those who need it, that’s all I can ask for. What I know, if anything, is that Kienan would want me to survive their death and would encourage me to write, paint, cry, scream, and love my way through it moment by moment. So here I go.

Love You Bean. I’m Forever your Dragon Mother and You Are Forever My Dragon Guide.